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{ 33 comments }
Hi Pip
Thanks for the support you have given me. It has been a pretty lonely time here to be honest despite the long hours at work and it has been good knowing that there is a friendly ear here for me. My disasterous time keeps getting worse and for the life of me I really dont know what I am doing wrong! I know they say that him upstairs only gives you what you can handle but this is ridiculous!!
I promise not to go on and on as I would be an excellant remedy for sleeplessness. I just wanted to say thanks and I will try really hard to hold my head high and keep on going in a positive manner. That and hope that things will infact get better..
Thanks guys and a hug for you Pip for a wonderful website xx
Karen x
Hiya Nicola, that’s a brilliant idea thanks so much! I did take a look after you left the comment last time and it’s a great site, very positive – something we all need definitely! I’ll keep “things that make you happy” on the list…. I really need to get my head around the forum!
Hello again!
I have an idea for the forum when it’s up and running.
As I’ve mentioned before I’m a member of the ChronicBabe forum (based in the US but for anyone from anywhere). As you can imagine, as a website that’s largely for young(ish!) women with long-term health issues, there’s a lot of focus on positivity. A while ago someone posted a thread that has just grown and grown. It’s called “Seven things I am happy for today” and is an amazing exercise, especially when you’re having a bad day! I wonder whether something like this (no reason it has to be worded like this, or have seven reasons!) might work over here? Reasons can be the simplest things (eg: finding a great new nail colour) or really amazing big things (eg: falling in love). I’d be interested to know what you think.
Snookered!! Love it!!.. don’t worry, you are assuming everyone is in London! I am fully aware of that quandary and so that will be considered when it happens…. it won’t be this year though, far too much going on (read my blog of June 9 on Spag Wombers!!)
Only thing is those of us who don’t stay near London are snookered!! Oh well. X
Hi Pipa,
Thanks for your reply.
As and when you want to plan it I would be more than happy to help. I have a couple of friends who are event co-ordinators and also in PR I could rope them in to help.
Fantastic site. Am so proud of you. I know we have never met but I do genuinely love the stuff you do.
Take care
Jenny
oooh good idea Jenny thanks, I’ll pop that on the back burner!! I like it!!
Hi Pipa,
Goodness me I am so impressed what a fantastic website. It is truly brilliant. Well done you. Idea for the future perhaps a charity dinner or lunch you could ask ladies on the website to select a couple of charities. it’s always nice to dress up and meet new people. I am sure s number of people would be happy to help organise it .
Hi Pipa
Very very grateful for your support as a total outsider to this….you have confirmed my thoughts and when I woke up this morning I thought “you know what mum, you need me more than I need you and if you’re not going to apologise, then it’s your choice” and with that I decided that YES I am going to get on with things. I take your point about counselling, as a few years ago I did see one and they did help me….trouble was I found myself talking about so many things which upset me and I have decided that at the moment, I couldn’t go there right now….so with that, your support, those of friends, even my poor old dad who seems caught in the middle of it, I have decided, I am going to get on with my life and wait and see just how long it will be before she apologies. It takes guts to say sorry and I know she waits weeks when she falls out with dad (yes, she does this and blames him!) before things get righted again and I am sure it’s because she can’t or won’t say sorry…..well, I have had enough of what my friend called “being bullied” and after them having a long chat with me (and you, you have been brilliant Pipa and I value your support so much!), telling them about what you said, I cried buckets yesterday but I decided “no, time to forget and get on” but I can tell you, if she is as stubborn and determined not to say sorry, things will be different from now on! I actually feel that you are right about co-dependency as I have felt like a crutch for far too long and sorry but it is time for her to stand on her own two feet…..the number of times I have given her advice and she hasn’t taken it and then literally come crying to me and then spending hours, days, weeks trying to help her….errrr NO!!! I have decided you are right, I am me, I am taking a step back and I am NOT going to feel guilty anymore…….!! Thank you thank you thank you Pipa, you have made me feel FREE!!! Much love xx
Sounds to me Dee like you have had years and years of a co-dependent relationship. You can’t stop your Mother behaving the way she does, she has to stop herself. You can perhaps help her see what she is doing , but that often isn’t possible. Sometimes with codependency, it takes one half of the relationship (you) to step back and create space and bread that dependent relationship so that the other person is forced to take either a look at themsevles, or find another codependent partner. One thing is for sure though, it is draining on you, has been for years and whilst you’ve been there propping her up, you haven’t been able to be a daughter in the truest sense of the word. The reason she dramatises things is because she needs a reaction and she needs to have the attention – as long as you react, you feed part of the issue.
Have you considered going to a counsellor to talk about it? I would very much recommend it as you have learned a whole life pattern here of feeling responsible for her when she isn’t your responsibility. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh, sometimes we think counsellors/therapists are just for those worse off than us, but I couldn’t think of a better thing for you to do right now – you need someone to help you see that the guilt you feel isn’t yours to carry. x x
Hi Jill – it’s funny you say that…. I have a friend who is naturally bone thin and I know for a fact she eats perfectly well and has no secret issues, she is always scrutinized by others and it is the bain of her life. Also after I had my second baby, I went down to under 7 stone – not at all my doing, it was just how my body responded which is the same as my own Mother after her second birth too. People can be so judgemental on thinness….I won’t however tag it on with eating disorders, I think it is a topic worthy of it’s own space so I shall add it to the plan!! Thanks loads x
Hi Pipa, thanks for a lovely reply. How can I get my mother (when and if she decides to speak again) to stop having a go at my friends….yes a minor indescretion led to friction between me and my parents but I thought it had been buried but it was dragged up, almost like a trophy. I told Dad that was what she had a go at me about and he said it proved she couldn’t really find anything to argue with me about and hence was grappling with straws…he said she does it all the time and what I don’t realise is sometimes she can be moody with him for weeks only speaking in monosyllables. She has one friend who lost her daughter tragically (committed suicide) and she never talks about her private life (I don’t think as I broached this once before and said she should talk to her friend but she said w don’t discuss private things) so this makes it more difficult. I feel I have always been there for her….even when I was 13 I was dealing with issues between my parents and up to and including the week before my A levels when a major domestic kicked off which was never proved….sometimes I think it is all in her mind……a good friend of mine thinks she is depressed not dad and that he is perhaps frustrated as a result of her goings on……sorry to whittle on but life is short, she is my mother, I love her equally as much as dad and some of the things she has said about him is downright hurtful….I agree I must give her time to come to terms but meantime, guilt is setting in and I am asking myself why I asked to speak to her doc and it is only out of love and concern for her health in the event that she is on her own or vice versa with dad and it saves a mad dash and panic of a 2.5hr journey if there is nothing really wrong…I mean who rings and says your dad is being rushed into hospital when in fact it was only something wrong after a cataract problem and in fact he was going in but was waiting for a lift to pick him up – yes that was an answerphone message I received and that really did upset me and that was during the period when we were not talking 6yrs ago after another fall out and criticism of me, my education, how stupid I was and friends…..and I am wondering how I manage to run my own business, a home, have a brill social life, good friends and husband…..!! All help gratefully received xx
Hi Pip.
I know eating disorders is a future issue. I was just hoping, from my own perspective, that there would also be an awareness of those who stuff their face ( me! ) on a daily basis, frustrated at struggling to be able to gain even a few pounds!!!
With most people assuming that naturally being a size 6 means there’s something ‘wrong’ with you. Just because you’re not ‘fat’ or overweight , suddenly means we’re abnormal because the ‘norm ‘ in today’s society is being ‘big’. Normal people who aren’t overweight aren’t the ones with the problem!
Repeat questions of :”Are you eating?” and “Have you eaten today?” become very irritating , more at the inquisitor ‘s stupidity!! Comments like :”You’re really slim.” Now would it be acceptable to say to an overweight person,” You’re really fat.” ? Exactly! But people feel they’ve a right to pass such comment to us! Hmm.
It’s a nightmare NOT being able to gain weight easily despite people’s beliefs. And ignorant , naive comments are actually very hurtful due to being utterly misplaced and seriously ill-judged!
Just wondered if this perspective could be included in anyway when the topic eventually arises??
This was meant to be BRIEF as well not a pure essay!
Love Jill x x
Dearest Dee
I am so so sorry that you are facing this. The pain involved when parents reject us cuts deeper than anything else. It seems clear to me that your Mum is dealing with, or not dealing with as the case may be, some very deep issues of her own and unfortunately you are the ping pong ball being bashed about in the meantime.
Firstly, I have to tell you that you have absolutely done the right thing. You have stepped back, you have put out an olive branch by sending the card… you might now need to wait a while. You see you can’t force someone to see beyond their own fears and pain until they are ready; when that time comes we hope they will see truth and that’s when it is important to be there.
It is important that you maintain contact so that you can be there for your Dad – but remember he is responsible for his actions too. He needs to choose for himself to let you know what is going on, or not. Do you know a friend of theirs who you could speak with to see if they can shed any light on what is going on? It might give you peace of mind to know there is someone else who is close to them but not necessarily related who may be able to keep a watchful eye during this time.
Remember, you can’t fix someone else’s emotions, fears or pains – they need to do it themselves. You say you speak every day with them which means you probably thought you were privy to everything in their lives and now this level of shut out is completely throwing you off. Remember you haven’t done anything wrong. Sometimes people place blame in all the wrong places when facing their own fears.
I wish it were possible to wave a magic wand but sometimes in life that just isn’t the case. It sounds like your husband is strong so I’m glad you’re not alone in this. You’ve behaved honourably, keep with that and remember we are all responsible for our own actions. Try to let go of the need to fix it right now; it would be undersandable and easy to let anger seep in but be patient, keep loving and hang on to hope – sometimes that is all we have.
Do keep in touch, much love
Pipa x
I really don’t know what I have done but my mum has stopped speaking to me after nothing really :0(
We recently visited them and hubs noticed dad looked terrible and he was not his normal self. He’s told us he has rheumatoid arthritis in his knees, shoulders and hands and despite my mother going to the dox with him, refuses to think there is anything wrong with him. I then heard she had had him digging in the garden (there’s nothing wrong with him she said), following day he was in agony with his wrists and was feeling sick. I tried to speak to his doc and got all this patient confidentiality stuff thrown at me so achieved nothing. Following day I decided to tackle the issue about them both allowing me to speak to their doc, dad was receptive and mother went off at the deep end. So having challenged her why she wouldn’t let me (her own daughter) speak to her doc I casually asked if she was keeping something from me, and she just flew! I decided that as she wouldn’t listen I would cut short the conversation and signed off, possibly abruptly but as I speak with them daily I rang the following day to get it in the neck again. Dad was apparently sick in bed, kept her awake, and complaint complaint complaint after complaint about Dad….to which she then said she had done nothing the day before and I said knowing her she would have done something, to be greeted with, “I am not speaking with you – you’re trying to pick an argument with me to wind me up”…which I was really puzzled about. Then got it in the neck about being “just like my father”, criticised my friends, accused me of this and that including an issue about something which happened years ago which caused friction and which I thought had been resolved and then BANG down went the phone. I tried to speak to her a few days afterwards thinking she would have calmed down to find she was speaking in monosyllables to dad so when he asked did she want to speak it was a NO and shrugged shoulders…..have also sent a card with a note saying “thinking of you” and dad says she still won’t speak to me….am so fed up!! I feel I have done everything and the only reason I wanted to speak to their docs was for their own health and nothing else….seems I have hit a raw nerve somewhere. Hubs reckons she can be a drama queen herself and a few years ago she left a message on our answerphone saying dad had been rushed to hospital which was untrue as he was waiting for a lift….I have to say when I heard the message my blood ran cold….what can I do Pipa??? It is now affecting me and I feel really quite fed up, crying and not sleeping and find I am distracted all the time …… :0( thanks, Dee
Hiya Louise, thanks for the feedback!
Did you know that more than 70% women at some stage suffer with an eating disorder of one description or another? They are grossly misunderstood so it’ll be fun putting that one together…. “fun”… loose term there!!! x x
Hi Pipa,
Thanks for a great forum for us women and all the hard work to get this up and running. I will be very interested in your future forum about eating disorders as myself have first hand experience in my early 20′s. Thanks again for your wonderful blogs each day and they cheer my day up.
Love Louise xx
Thanks Lesley x
Just starting to read my way through your new website. Its beautifully put together Pipa no wonder it took you so long. Well done you.
Love
Lesley xx
Hiya again Pipa!
That sounds like a great plan. I have personal experience, I am 30 and have suffered from various eating disorders since I was 11 years old. I was only diagnosed formally 12 months ago, and I think – as you say – it’s so important to lift the lid on these matters and make women aware that they need not suffer in silence, it took me so long to admit there were problems – and I don’t want other women to suffer the same way I have. I’ve been in and out of the MH system for a long time.
When I mentioned humour, I should have clarified, I wasn’t meaning in any way to point and laugh or poke fun, that would be horrific
and not what I am about at all. For a few years I was editor and chief writer of a mental health charity’s magazine and I wrote a lot about ‘Laughter Therapy’ and the use of humour in treating patients with mental health difficulties. I should have clarified my point more, I am sorry for that and meant no offence to you!
I’ll have a stab at writing something for you, and send it on. If you want to use it, then that’s fab, if not then that’s totally ok too
With warm wishes
Kathryn D
xx
Woohoo! The man from cyber space he say yes!!! Ur a genius Pip! Just as important to let you know ur homepage link from the blog worked a treat, lovely!! Thank you. Jill x x
Hiya Jill!! You’re not the only one who asked this – thanks, it’s been done! The home tab takes you to the Spaghetti Wombers home page, but now there is a link on the left just above the CD link. Ta loads for letting me know x
Hi Kathryn, thanks for your message!
Do you know what, I have eating disorders in the plan for July/August. It is something very important to discuss and that is exactly why The Raphael Project came about, to provide a forum where we could lift the lid on some of those more taboo topics. Because of that, I wouldn’t want to go down the humorous route at all as it is something that affected my life seriously many years ago and I know affects so so many women, nearly always secretly.
I have already started writing it but by all means I would love it if you contribute – it would be great! Do you have professional or personal experience of this? How about you write your article, say by early/mid June, and I would love to integrate it!! How does that sound??
Thanks again for getting in touch x x
I am loving this, Pipa – very well done to you on all the hard work. What a wonderful site!
Would you at some stage be interested in a small article from me about coping with an Eating Disorder? I’ve been wanting to try and write something properly on this for a long time. I do, of course, completely understand that it might not be the kind of thing that you want on here or that it might not be right! I would like to try and make it as positive and humourous as possible. If you are ever interested, then please let me know!
With lots of love to you, and keep up the good work, hearting you!
Love from Kathryn
xx
Hi Pip. Quick technical question – oh no! When ur on blog page ( spaghetti wombers) and click Home at top left , it refreshes to the same blog page. Is it just me??
I’ve got to keep coming out of the whole site and going back into it.
Thank you muchly for any heads-up.
Love Jill x
Aw thank you Pipa. Dunno how uv remained sane as excessive IT stuff totally does ur head in! They’ll have you presenting all the electronic shows on qvc! Craig and adorable wee ( big) Anthony’ll have to do a bit of ‘ Fabulous at . . . Bein totally out my depth!’. X x x
I loved rain or shine too!! Totally a 5 Star girl!! Really helpful ideas Jill, I’ve jotted them all down, thanks loads x I will explore how to get the avatar up and let you know!…remember I too am learning as I go here!!!
excellent, I’ll give all those some thought! Had already thought of the product review, that’s definitely a great idea. As for the ghostly image, yes you can upload an avatar there!
Cheers Kath!!!
Hiya Pip. Was just thinking – ideas for site for you to peruse! Any new ideas for discussions , can they be generic as well as specific, ie. Health conditions stereotypes, tips section for specific things that we can add our own ideas to eg. What to do for a good hair day , things you can do to cheer yourself up , fun simple games to play with our kids etc.
A TOP products category per week. You decide the category. Eg best nail lacquer brand/colour, most reliable umbrella brand , best buy clothes for quality and value, best cafe chain for coffee and sandwich etc etc
Finally , on qvc you know how your speciality text topics are lists? Well that would be a great laugh on here!?! Eg. Penny sweeties from our youth, clothing item trends from years ago , tv programmes, old bands ( gotta be 5 star for me – rain or shine )!!
You could do – your fave . . .
or/ and. – your worst/ most mingin’!
Topic list idea: underused ace words : kaghool , ergo , irked , forthwith , t’other etc.
Just some ideas rather than contribute nothing. Feel free obviously to file any of my ideas under Category D – BIN.
Love Jill x
Pipa,
you have done a fabulous job! a huge congratulations and well done to you!
i shall raise my glass to you this evening, whatever and wherever you may be, my best wishes will be heading your way!
kath. x
Thanks loads Hun, see you very soon x x
Pip this is AMAZING!!!!! Hadn’t realised how busy you’ve been with this. Am speechless. A HUGE well done and lots of love. Yo xxxx
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